Bad Issue Presents: Hellbound (1994)
0 comment Tuesday, April 1, 2014 |
Runtime: 95 minutes
Country: USA
Cast and Crew
Directed by Aaron Norris
Written by Brent Friedman and Donald G. Thompson
Starring Chuck Norris, Calvin Levels, Sheree J. Wilson, and Christopher Neame
Top o' the afternoon to ye, me howling hellcats!
Yes it's that time of the month again. I have dug back far into the recesses of my creative mind in order to write a profound and engaging review that is sure to stimulate the greatest of minds. Unfortunately I never got around to doing that, so instead I took a bunch of pictures from a Chuck Norris movie and made a shoddy comic book out of it. That's right! That means it must be another one of my...
BAD ISSUE(S)!
But the selection of today's musing is by no means an accident. For those of you who have sold your souls to your computers, you might have noticed the wonderful contest Matt from Chuck Norris Ate My Baby has put on for all of us bloggers. As a part of his "Chuck Norris Ate My Blog" contest, I decided to scrap together this project as an entry. I hope that those who take the time to read this will enjoy it enough and also be sure to cruise around the blogosphere to check out entries by other fantastic writers. So grab on to your crucifixes, kiddies! With today's Bad Issue, there's only one direction that we can be headed...
HELLBOUND!
First of all, check that out right there. That's the menu. Your only option is to play the movie. Why? Cuz Chuck Norris said so. Wanna skip to your favorite scene? Too bad, jerk. You have to watch the whole damn film. Wanna see if there are any foreign subtitles? Nope, none of those either. Cuz this is AMERICA and Chuck Norris speaks American. This is going to be fun...

Once upon a time in a galaxy... Oh my bad. Uhh, there's an evil dude from Hell who wants to bring about the End of Days. Much happier story...

Behold! The title of our film and the fate of its box office all in one!

The time is 1186 A.D., the place is the coast of California right behind the local Starbucks...

A group of knights rush towards their ultimate purpose...

Speculation grows as they near their destination...

King Arthur starts getting sassy...

Inside an unholy ceremony is unfolding...

Devil Dude is surprised by his uninvited guests...

The knights wage battle against the legion of Joan Rivers-spawned demons...

DD begins speaking in incoherent tongues...

The priest gives a sneak attack from the rear...

Arthur breaks DD's microphone into pieces and creates a noble plan for them...

In 1951, two thieves bust into the hidden concert hall. One starts doubting their mission...

The resurrection of DD doesn't daunt them...

He's back and quicker than ever...

The setting is now present day Chicago. Detective Jackson intervenes during his partner Shatter's interrogation...

Jackson attempts a softer approach...

They celebrate...

Meanwhile, a mistress of the night gets herself comfy after a session of demonic lovemaking...

DUN DUN DUN! That's right. DD is back and his love for music hasn't deterred one bit...

Jackson asks Shatter the immortal question...

Upset at his beardless existence, Jackson provokes a celebrity-hating pimp...

Jackson doesn't take too kindly to his words...

The pimp's cronie is just about to grab a hankie when Shatter lends him a hand...

Shatter initiates a challenge to the head cold-besieged cronie...

The cronie fails and Shatter punches him in his sick face while barking an awesome one-liner...

Back at the motel, Joseph Gordon Levitt is doing deals with the Devil...

He splits before his ally exhibits some cutthroat business methods...

Colonel Kurtz is flabbergasted...

But there are other things nagging his mind at the moment...

You just can't keep a good Devil worshiper down...

When the hooker sees that her night now involves a menage a trois, the Colonel promptly pays her and then throws her out the window. Shatter is distressed...

Shatter spots an old enemy from his past...

The Colonel attacks only to be shot through the heart...

The next day at the station, Jackson is terrified to see the prophecy coming true...

Shatter is more concerned with his profile...

He prepares to eat his lunch to get his mind off things...

Shatter and Jackson head to a museum to do casting calls for the damsel in distress...

Shatter is disappointed in his partner...

Things start coming together...

Meanwhile in Italy...

The Colonel is there to make things better...

Back in Chicago Jackson digs deeper into the case...

One inevitable omen of the Armageddon is dodged...

Or is it...?

Later as Shatter and Jackson are driven through the studio's backlot, a terrible accident occurs...

From that day forward, the phrase "objects in rearview mirror" would always strike a chord of terror in one assless man...

The taxi driver expresses his love for American cinema...

A mysterious man watches on from the shadows...

The city's police inspector has some damning questions for the detectives to answer...

Five hours later...

Mysterious Man waits on...

Shatter calls Levitt out on his acting choices...

The two detectives use terrifying threats...

Levitt attempts to defend himself...

The detectives get lost outside of their trailers...

Master con artist Bezi beseeches the two to save him from an inconceivable destiny...

Jackson takes the time to appreciate himself...

The smile you never want to see on Chuck Norris's face when he sees you...

Shatter corners his prey...

Shatter knows how to solve the issue...

The Mysterious Man awaits his time with divine patience...

Jackson gets accustomed to his supporting role...

The detectives become reacquainted with the actress they hired for the damsel role...

The Mysterious Man offers up a prayer...

At the catering table, the group recognizes a familiar face...

Yes! It turns out the Colonel is actually a Major! Shocking, isn't it?

When Shatter returns to his hotel room, he is met by some big fans...

Shatter delivers some pain...

Back in Chicago, the Police Chief calls in on her cats to see how they're doing...

The fans are determined to get their autograph...

Before Jackson can get in on the fun, Levitt smacks him upside the head and steals the gold sandwich...

The Major is quick on his heels...

Fear brings out a confession...

Shatter mourns the loss of Levitt...

Jackson makes an exciting find...

Swiper no swiping!

Bezi expresses his admiration...

But the Norris is on to him...

SWIPER NO SWIPING, DAMMIT!

Shatter reassures the group...

Shatter is astounded at meeting the wise monk...

Though the holy man is blind, Shatter handles the situation with the utmost sensitivity...

They pass the time by taking pictures...

The monk later consoles himself in the privacy of his room...

Things get interesting...

The detectives make it back in time to see what remains of the priest...

Some investigation only angers Shatter further...

A friend brings out Shatter's soft side...

He makes an important call...

Damsel is shocked by the Major's arrival...

Shocking discoveries are made...

Later at the Black Sabbath concert...

The Major puts the lotion on the skin...

The detectives survey the situation...

Shatter kicks some long-deserved monster booty...

The Major unleashes his deadly fury...

Jackson tries to help but soon loses his grounding...

The damsel cheers her gallant knight on...

The battle cry of the Norris rings out mightily...

The Major weeps...

A terrible twister rocks the cave...

Unfortunately, Nicole Richie was one of the many souls lost in the chaos...

The Major gives a final shout out to his audience...

The show caps off with fireworks for the kids...

The Mysterious Man finally realizes his purpose and dutifully collects the pieces of the gold sandwich to sell at Universal Theme Parks everywhere...

Good news all around...

Jackson gives one last piece of advice to Bezi...

Some things never change...

Ohhh, that's our Bezi! Our tale now comes to a happy, screaming halt. Bezi goes on to become an international criminal, Shatter and Jackson learn the joys of parenthood, that one blond actress with the face gets a job as that one blond waitress with the face, and Satan decides to go into the entertainment business and plan the next Justin Bieber concert. Yippee!

Once again, thanks for everyone who decided to waste their day and read my insane ramblings. Keep your eyes out for all the other great entries that have and are to come out for this Norris-tastic contest! Hiiiyah!

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