0 comment Sunday, April 20, 2014 | admin
We take you now to that beloved star of stage and screen Tod Slaughter, as he answers the questions of the public in his weekly column "Dear Toddy" from The Barnstormer Weekly. In today's feature, Tod is besmirched with the problems and anxieties that come with the holiday season and answers all inquires in his trademark style of wit, charm, and unrestrained evil.
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I have a big problem. It's almost Christmas and there's this boy in my classroom who keeps telling me that Santa Claus isn't real. He says he's made up, a big fat lie. I tried asking my mom bout it but she says the boy was just saying that since he's jealous. I don't even know what that means. What should I do about the mean boy? Is there a Santa Claus? Can you help me Mr. Toddy?
Thank you for writing, my dear child. I think I can help with your problem. First of all, you must handle that mischievous boy in your classroom post haste. It sounds like his tongue wags too much... might I suggest cutting it out with a razor? No? Fine, then. I always found that breaking the spine is quite effective. It's quick, efficient, and painless. Well, it would be for you anyway. Heh heh. Now allow me to address the second part of your question: no, Virginia, there is no Santa Claus! Santa is a lie, just like everything else your mother has ever told you. Including how pretty you are. If you want a complete stranger to break into your house in the middle of the night, then just call me up!
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First I'd like to say that I love your work (big fan!). I knew you were the only man that could help me. I was recently made the head of the party planning committee at the office where I work. Trouble is, I have no idea what to put on the e-mail invitations. I want to just call it "Office Christmas Party," but HR's giving me a lot of crap because Ben in accounting celebrates Hanukkah and the guy in the mailroom made up his own holiday called Sleeping Monk Day. And how am I supposed to decorate? What's your take on all this, sir?
I appreciate you being a fan of my work. So am I! As to your inquiry, good taste be damned! If you want to really have a party, put a nice dash of arsenic in the punch bowl to lighten those stiffs up! Make sure that you invite a high member of society to the festival too. That way you could massacre them in front of everybody and laugh over their lifeless body as you rob them of their personal belongings. And if you're feeling extra naughty, carry your boss's wife away kicking and screaming for a little "kiss" underneath the mistletoe. This way, you won't be offending those few people at work. Stick to this plan and EVERYONE will feel violated!
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I live in Indiana and at the moment we're being raped by a monstrous snowstorm. There are piles of snow six feet high closing us in on all sides and the wind is enough to blow the Statue of Liberty's gown right off! I can't stand this freezing slush and thought I'd turn to you for some suggestions to help my winter blues. Thanks!
Don't curse your predicament so hastily, my friend! The snow does have its advantages, especially when it's very... deep. There's much useful spade work to be had there. You could bury at least three bodies in a healthy-sized drift if you wished (and who wouldn't?). And all the wonderful blues, and blacks, and purples that the corpses' skin turns never fails to get me into the holiday spirit! If it's the bitter cold that's got you down, might I suggest a stop at Mrs. Lovatt's pie shop on the corner of Fleet Street? Nothing should cheer you more than a helping of one of her delicious meat pies while you sit next to her roaring furnace. Her baked goodies come out flesh from the oven. Mwahahaha!
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That's all the time we have for today. Until Toddy's return after the New Year, The Barnstormer Weekly would like to wish their readers the most wicked of holidays. May your hearts be filled with blood and thunder, and your homes with murder and mayhem. Thank you and good night.