Romance of Mystery

Good evening,
First thing's first, I have a few shout outs I'd like to make to some people. I'd like to extend a huge THANK YOU to both Mark Mihalko of The Ringmaster's Realm and Matthew House of Chuck Norris Ate My Baby for giving FBD The Versatile Blogger Award. Although the honor has already been bestowed upon me, it truly warms my heart to know that this blog is being read by two respectable writers of genre entertainment. They both run their own superb blogs, so go check them out NOW!
Now on to the good stuff. Pax Romano, the innkeeper of the prestigious horror blog Billy Loves Stu, has just created a meme for all his fellow terrorphiles to fill out in order for the world to know how the diabolical minds behind some of the web's most fearsome corners of darkness work and calculate. Inspired by his post and all the other great writers that have followed suit in a rapid forest fire-esque whirlwind, I have decided to cancel all my torture chamber appointments and burn the 8:22 PM oil away by filling out this crackerjack questionnaire. Everybody get ready to scream, because it's...
The First Ever Billy Loves Stu Meme for Horror Bloggers!
1: In Ten Words or Less, Describe Your Blog:
My mad love for all spooky things past and present.
2: During What Cinematic Era Where you Born?
A: The Classic Horror Era (late 30's to 40's)
B: The Atomic Monster/Nuclear Angst Era (the late 40's through 50's)
C: The Psycho Era ( Early 60's)
D: The Rosemary's Baby Era (Mid to Late 60's)
E: The Exorcism Era (Early to mid 70's)
F: The Halloween Era (Late 70's to Early 80's)
G: The Slasher Era (Mid to late 80's)
H: The Self Referential/Post Modern Era (1990 to 1999)
I was birthed in the era of Jamie Kennedys.

3: The Carrie Compatibility Question:
(gay men and straight women - make your choice from section A)
A: Billy Nolan or Tommy Ross, who would you take to the prom?
(straight guys and lesbians - make your choice from section B)
B: Sue Snell or Chris Hargensen, who would you take to the prom?
What? No Vinny Barbarino? Damn it, man. I was really hoping Travolta and I could tear up the dance floor with our out-of-sight moves.

4: You have been given an ungodly amount of money, and total control of a major motion picture studio - what would your dream Horror project be?
Very tough. I have way too many pet projects to name. If I had to choose just one, I would probably do something along the lines of an anthology reminiscent of the Amicus films, all of the stories based on classic ghost and horror stories. They would be the quiet, subtle, and psychologically unnerving stuff. M.R. James, Ambrose Bierce, Algernon Blackwood, you get the idea. Hopefully a TV series would follow up the film.

5: What horror film "franchise" that others have embraced, left you cold?
I'm a pretty easy-going guy, so I really like almost any horror movie. If I had to pick I think I would go with the Child's Play series, but I'm not sure if that's the most widely embraced franchise either. The SAW series has unfortunately overstayed its welcome as well.

6: Is Michael Bay the Antichrist?
Damien was cool as hell, so it's a bit insulting to call Bay the Antichrist. Personally I think he's just another one of those Hollywood pod people that defecate all over the past to reap in funds for the present. Or maybe...

7: Dracula, The Wolf Man, The Frankenstein Monster - which one of these classic villains scares you, and why?
I absolutely love the Wolf Man (and all his lycanthropic brethren for that matter) and I always saw Frankie as more of a tragic hero. Dracula was all evil, all the time. That fool don't play.

8: Tell me about a scene from a NON HORROR Film that scares the crap out of you:
The scene in DEAD POETS SOCIETY where Robert Sean Leonard kills himself. The reactions from his parents made my heart skip beats and I got chills in the middle of my English classroom.

9: Baby Jane Hudson invites you over to her house for lunch. What do you bring?
Red wine, sleeping pills, a video camera, vaseline... What? No one said anything about subtlety.

10: So, between you and me, do you have any ulterior motives for blogging? Come, on you can tell me, it will be our little secret, I won't tell a soul.
I have the gulity pleasure of almost every writer in that I like to hear what people think about my work. Honestly though, I think it has more to do with my likely unhealthy obsession with horror and the need to catalog everything I basically read, listen to, watch, etc.
11: What would you have brought to Rosemary Woodhouse's baby shower?
Holy water and some clothes for her elderly neighbors. And a copy of Everyone Poops.

12: Godzilla vs The Cloverfield Monster, who wins?
You know my dawg G-Killa would get in there and tear that shit up. But if my bro for life Kong showed up, all bets would be off.

13: If you found out that Rob Zombie was reading your blog, what would you post in hopes that he read it?
Probably a big thanks for any and all support he gave to me. And perhaps a subliminal message to forget all thoughts of a Blob re-remake along with a passionate plea for more rockin' music.

14: What is your favorite NON HORROR FILM, and why?
My top five would probably contain The Big Sleep, 2001: A Space Odyssey, A Christmas Story, The Dark Knight, and Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

15: If blogging technology did not exist, what would you be doing?
I would probably still be writing the exact same posts that I do, except they would all be kept in Word document format and I would be the only one who read them. Tragic?

Labels: Billy Loves Stu, Meme, Random

Do you like being happy? I know I do! If you don't like being happy, chances are you're a Communist. Or a chair.
I like seeing bloggers writing about what makes them happy. I enjoy it so much, I thought it was about time that I should give a go at it. So, for your hopeful enjoyment, those little things in life that continue and always will bring a smile to my face.

























And last but certainly not least...

Labels: Bloggin Madness, Happyness, Random

If any of you wanderers in darkness out there have noticed that things and stuff have been down to a minimum here at From Beyond Depraved, you're not crazy. All three of you readers may be somewhat saddened to hear that updates will be a bit scarce within the ensuing month or so. Real Life has decided to rear its slavering jaws at me and I unfortunately have to answer its mad moon-howl. But try not to despair too much... I've just installed new carpeting and your tears of blood will just ruin all my hard work. There are, however, some bright and shiny things in the near- and soon-to-be-future that might excite you in your pants...
For starters, although new material might be seen as much as a potion-crazy Claude Rains in these parts, you can always count on my monthly contributions at The Terror Trap and Classic-Horror for my features Chiller of the Month and Cold Reads respectively. I have some neat plans for October, with lumbering sleepwalkers and New England phantoms on my menu for the month.
I have just recently received my very own video editing software and I'm excited as all hell to start using it. I'll be experimenting with making montages and videos, and you can bet your banshee that they'll be horror homages a-plenty in the works that'll be posted here.
In early October, I'll be headed to the funtastical land of Orlando, Florida to attend the Screamfest convention. It will be my first journey ever to a horror convention (gasps of shock and repulsion). I'll be sure to post the details and photos of my adventures in the weeks afterward.
According to Brian at the tremendous blog The Vault Of Horror, The Lucky 13 will be officially resurrected from its freshly dug grave for a stunning return. This time the focus at his digs and Brutal As Hell will be horror films with seasonal and holiday twists. The event will be starting roughly around October and be going on all the way till about New Year's. I hope to contribute pieces to this marathon again and highly encourage all you out there to join in on the fun!
I'll be continuing to have regular Demented Dialogues with all the horror-obsessed bloggers the interwebs have to offer. Keep your eyes peeled for all future installments. And for those of you who still have yet to receive your questions, don't think I forgot about you! I'm just meticulously planning to unleash my ultimate wrath upon you. Yes... oh so slowly. *Strokes cat conveniently placed in lap*
To make up for the psychologically damaging absences that might occur here at FBD, I'll be posting more news about any future writing endeavors that come my way and be putting up some old fiction that everyone is invited to throw rotten produce at.
Oh yeah, and be sure to expect a healthy addition of posts from The Video Vault and Trailer Terror Tuesdays. And a lot of random videos that I may find along the way in my journey to discover the true meaning of life.This seems like a good start...

Labels: Bloggin Madness, News, Random

Eddie leered at the immaculately dressed man standing on his front porch. The chump was in an ironed, three piece blue suit, and when he smiled Eddie wanted to knock the planks from his white picket fence grin.
"Howdy, sir. Jack Lamort's the name, selling�s the game." The yuck-head extended a hand as he laughed at his own joke.
"I�m not interested in anything�"
"Hold on there, partner. I haven�t even gotten a chance to show you the merchandise."
The salesman snatched up his briefcase and had it snapped open in the blink of an eye. Pictures and graphs displaying coffins, corpses, and funeral lots on discount came pouring out like a waterfall of morbidity.
"What the hell?"
"Impressive, ain�t it? You seem like an alright guy. So I�m gonna give you the best deal on the market."
When the jerk laughed, Eddie winced at the smell of formaldehyde and graveyard earth.
"What in God�s name are you selling?"
"Why death, my good man! It�s the hottest commodity these days."

"Death?"
"Let me explain. I�m not here by accident. You were on my list, see? But we do things differently nowadays. We let the customers have a little more freedom with their choices of, uh� departure."
"Look, buddy. I ain�t got no time for these jokes. The game�s on, for Pete�s sake."
"I�ll try not to waste any more of your time than I need to, Ed."
"How�d you�"
"Now we have a lovely array of terminations for you to consider here. We have the basic death from heart attack, which is standard for the middle aged man such as yourself. But you seem a little adventurous. How does bear mauling sound to you? No, you�re right. Far too messy. How about perishing while saving a child from a burning building? Gives you the nice heroic look, if you ask me. Pull in some more people at the funeral that way. Or if the goody-two-shoes approach isn�t your thing, we can always arrange to have you murder your wife and then fry in the electric chair at the state penitentiary. From what I hear, the ladies seem to love that bad boy personality. But then again, so do the guys at the state penitentiary. Let�s drop that one for now. We really should discuss your funeral service�"
Eddie was gaping at the peculiar little man on his porch. His meaty fists shook with rage.
"Get out," he hissed.
"How do you fancy yourself in this model coffin?"
"I said�" Eddie reached forward and gripped the man by his coat. His body promptly went stiff and he collapsed through the open door onto his back.
The salesman peered down at the dead man, a frown painting his features. Marking Eddie�s name from the list, he let out a sigh as he headed back to his car. The salesman tossed the briefcase into the trunk of the car next to the scythe and swung into the driver�s seat. As he drove away, he checked the time on his wristwatch.
"Still morning. Boy, am I gonna make a killing!"

Labels: Bloggin Madness, Humor, Original Work, Random, Short Fiction

We take you now to that beloved star of stage and screen Tod Slaughter, as he answers the questions of the public in his weekly column "Dear Toddy" from The Barnstormer Weekly. In today's feature, Tod is besmirched with the problems and anxieties that come with the holiday season and answers all inquires in his trademark style of wit, charm, and unrestrained evil.
* * *
Dear Toddy,
I have a big problem. It's almost Christmas and there's this boy in my classroom who keeps telling me that Santa Claus isn't real. He says he's made up, a big fat lie. I tried asking my mom bout it but she says the boy was just saying that since he's jealous. I don't even know what that means. What should I do about the mean boy? Is there a Santa Claus? Can you help me Mr. Toddy?
-Virginia
Virginia,
Thank you for writing, my dear child. I think I can help with your problem. First of all, you must handle that mischievous boy in your classroom post haste. It sounds like his tongue wags too much... might I suggest cutting it out with a razor? No? Fine, then. I always found that breaking the spine is quite effective. It's quick, efficient, and painless. Well, it would be for you anyway. Heh heh. Now allow me to address the second part of your question: no, Virginia, there is no Santa Claus! Santa is a lie, just like everything else your mother has ever told you. Including how pretty you are. If you want a complete stranger to break into your house in the middle of the night, then just call me up!
Merry Christmas,
Toddy
* * *
Dear Toddy,
First I'd like to say that I love your work (big fan!). I knew you were the only man that could help me. I was recently made the head of the party planning committee at the office where I work. Trouble is, I have no idea what to put on the e-mail invitations. I want to just call it "Office Christmas Party," but HR's giving me a lot of crap because Ben in accounting celebrates Hanukkah and the guy in the mailroom made up his own holiday called Sleeping Monk Day. And how am I supposed to decorate? What's your take on all this, sir?
-Cubicle Drone
Cubicle Drone,
I appreciate you being a fan of my work. So am I! As to your inquiry, good taste be damned! If you want to really have a party, put a nice dash of arsenic in the punch bowl to lighten those stiffs up! Make sure that you invite a high member of society to the festival too. That way you could massacre them in front of everybody and laugh over their lifeless body as you rob them of their personal belongings. And if you're feeling extra naughty, carry your boss's wife away kicking and screaming for a little "kiss" underneath the mistletoe. This way, you won't be offending those few people at work. Stick to this plan and EVERYONE will feel violated!
Happy planning,
Toddy
* * *
Dear Toddy,
I live in Indiana and at the moment we're being raped by a monstrous snowstorm. There are piles of snow six feet high closing us in on all sides and the wind is enough to blow the Statue of Liberty's gown right off! I can't stand this freezing slush and thought I'd turn to you for some suggestions to help my winter blues. Thanks!
-Frosty Hater
Frosty Hater,
Don't curse your predicament so hastily, my friend! The snow does have its advantages, especially when it's very... deep. There's much useful spade work to be had there. You could bury at least three bodies in a healthy-sized drift if you wished (and who wouldn't?). And all the wonderful blues, and blacks, and purples that the corpses' skin turns never fails to get me into the holiday spirit! If it's the bitter cold that's got you down, might I suggest a stop at Mrs. Lovatt's pie shop on the corner of Fleet Street? Nothing should cheer you more than a helping of one of her delicious meat pies while you sit next to her roaring furnace. Her baked goodies come out flesh from the oven. Mwahahaha!
Stay warm,
Toddy
* * *
That's all the time we have for today. Until Toddy's return after the New Year, The Barnstormer Weekly would like to wish their readers the most wicked of holidays. May your hearts be filled with blood and thunder, and your homes with murder and mayhem. Thank you and good night.

Labels: Humor, Random, Tod Slaughter, Tod Slaughter Blogathon

Just a few quick bits of information for you to nibble on for a midnight snack this Wednesday evening.
Firstly, I'd like to thank the lovely Jinx over at Totally Jinxed who recently awarded me with the Zombie Rabbit Award to recognize my humble space in the web. As always, I'm greatly honored by her disturbingly public displays of affection. Jinx has to be one of the most unique people I've had the pleasure of "meeting" over the Internet and a trip to her blog always proves to be filled with laughs, sea monsters, lots of alcohol, and adorable kittens. If that's not a recommendation to get you to mosey on over to her place, then I don't what is.
Alas, if one is to accept the most prestigious Zombie Rabbit Award, they must be willing to pass it on to other blogs that they love. Although there are tons of horror blogs out there I'd like to include, I think it's important that I say some things in regards to these places that I like to visit on a regular basis. So pardon me if my reverences sound like the dialogue from a preteen romance starring Channing Tatum, but I'd like to spread the brotherly love like smooth, smooth peanut butter over the wrinkled, elderly body that is the Internet...

Too Much Horror Fiction (Will's site is THE place as far I'm concerned to go for all your paperback horror needs. His knowledge of these dusty tomes of terror is mind-boggling at times and his thoughts on the genre as a whole are always fascinating and extremely intelligent. A haven for bibliophiles, antiquarians, and other lovers of the macabre printed upon yellowing pages.)
From Midnight, With Love (The Mike, esteemed owner of FMWL, is incredible. And by that I mean incredibly awesome. Mike has been one of the fastest friends I've made during my blogging exploits, and it's not hard to see why. He's incredibly funny and witty... so much so that some of the ideas behind his posts are so ingenious that I grow jealous not having thought of them myself. A true lover of genre entertainment, Mike's blog continues to be a place that I hold near and dear to my depraved heart.)
Mad Mad Mad Mad Movies (Lord Almighty, is it possible for me to go to this place without having proverbial milk squirt out of my nostrils? If you think you've seen incredibly cheesy and trashy cinema, you'll find out that you haven't even licked the surface of that greasy pile. The Vicar and Duke espouse HILARIOUS commentary on these hidden (sometimes thankfully so) gems that they write about with absolute finesse and charm. An instant cure for a manic Monday or whatever weekday of insanity you may be having.)
The Vault Of Horror (B-Sol's den of all things great is pretty much legendary amongst bloggers. To a lot of people it seems to be the pinnacle of horror blogging, and it wouldn't be a stretch to say that's exactly what it is for me as well. Brian's writing is always clear and professional, his knowledge and pure enthusiasm for the genre shining through every one of his posts. Always on top of the latest in news and events, something that I don't even TRY to attempt, The Vault of Horror also provides insightful and completely fun film reviews and too many other goodies to name. Truly one of the best writers out there highlighting the facets of terror culture.)
Strange Kids Club (Visiting Strange Kids Club is like finding a lost but loved token from your childhood in the cramped spaces of an attic. Whether it's a rubbery Frankenstein mask or an old VHS of your favorite Saturday morning cartoon, it envelopes you in that warm, fuzzy hold that only sweet nostalgia can give to you. Rondal's blog serves as a literal clubhouse for all us kids whose tastes lean more towards the bizarre and off-kilter. He even posts about modern oddities and curiosities, inviting a whole new generation of strange kids to join in on the fun.)
Zombos' Closet Of Horror (John Cozzoli has just about one of the most addicting blogs it's been my pleasure to have run into. The man is simply unstoppable and writes about every horror-related topic you can imagine. Films, literature, comics, television, toys, events, you name it. You can instantly tell that this is the lair of someone who has truly fallen in love with the horror genre, every single aspect it. It's both an immense joy and a humbling experience to read his blog, and it's one I've looked to for inspiration on many a moonlit night.)
Radiation-Scarred Reviews (This one is actually more of a recent find, but it has won my heart just as quickly as any of my long-time favorites. Bill's blog is a bare-bones review site, hardly a picture or video to be seen anywhere. But you'll soon find out that none of those things matter. Bill's writing is completely hypnotic and his passion for all genre cinema, whether it be good or bad, is die-hard and unflinching. The rate at which these brilliantly detailed reviews come out is enough to baffle. A great place to go to hear some wonderful commentary from an avid fan and find some juicy new films to dig into in the process.)
Yes, I know that the award requires ten sacrifices, but I'm feeling a little placid today. My ceremonial dagger hand is a tad rusty anyhow. I don't require any of the respective blogs listed here to make similar posts in turn. My point wasn't to "tag" any of them. I merely wanted to express my honest admiration and love for every single one of them. They all influence me in their own ways and inspire me to become a better writer. I don't expect my blog to become as great as theirs, but I really can't thank them enough for providing me with such a fun and engaging experience thus far. Congratulations to all you amazing people and may you keep on keepin' on.
By the way, doesn't the name Zombie Rabbit bring this utterly disturbing commercial to mind?

In other news, I recently struck up a collaboration with U.K.-based comics artist Kel Winser (http://www.kelwinser.com/) in which we plan to bring an old character of mine to life. Alan Markham is a detective working in the rough-and-tumble streets of the noirish city he lives in... and just so happens to slay demons, monsters, and other forces of darkness. He is constantly haunted by thoughts of from whence he came and has many flashes back to a time in his life that he can hardly remember.

In his journey to discover his identity, he is accosted by a mysterious, Harley-driving figure known simply as The Wanderer and must match wits with nemesis French detective Rene Vant. Markham must battle a whole ghastly gallery of fiends and villains including the likes of Spring-Heeled Jack, Vincent Van Gore, The Red Raven, hatchet mongers, Hollywood vampires, voodoo kings, and even Ol' Scratch himself!
Our ultimate goal is to pitch the series to Image Comics once we have a solid storyline developed and a few tales completed, but that will probably take some time. I'm excited to get this character the attention he deserves, as Markham has been a pet project of mine for some time. Stay posted for any future updates on the adventures and trials of Markham: Paranormal Investigator.

Labels: Bloggin Madness, Comic Books, Markham, Random, Zombie Rabbit Award