Death Pitch: A Short Story
0 comment Thursday, May 22, 2014 |

Eddie leered at the immaculately dressed man standing on his front porch. The chump was in an ironed, three piece blue suit, and when he smiled Eddie wanted to knock the planks from his white picket fence grin.
"Howdy, sir. Jack Lamort's the name, selling�s the game." The yuck-head extended a hand as he laughed at his own joke.
"I�m not interested in anything�"
"Hold on there, partner. I haven�t even gotten a chance to show you the merchandise."
The salesman snatched up his briefcase and had it snapped open in the blink of an eye. Pictures and graphs displaying coffins, corpses, and funeral lots on discount came pouring out like a waterfall of morbidity.
"What the hell?"
"Impressive, ain�t it? You seem like an alright guy. So I�m gonna give you the best deal on the market."
When the jerk laughed, Eddie winced at the smell of formaldehyde and graveyard earth.
"What in God�s name are you selling?"
"Why death, my good man! It�s the hottest commodity these days."

"Let me explain. I�m not here by accident. You were on my list, see? But we do things differently nowadays. We let the customers have a little more freedom with their choices of, uh� departure."
"Look, buddy. I ain�t got no time for these jokes. The game�s on, for Pete�s sake."
"I�ll try not to waste any more of your time than I need to, Ed."
"How�d you�"
"Now we have a lovely array of terminations for you to consider here. We have the basic death from heart attack, which is standard for the middle aged man such as yourself. But you seem a little adventurous. How does bear mauling sound to you? No, you�re right. Far too messy. How about perishing while saving a child from a burning building? Gives you the nice heroic look, if you ask me. Pull in some more people at the funeral that way. Or if the goody-two-shoes approach isn�t your thing, we can always arrange to have you murder your wife and then fry in the electric chair at the state penitentiary. From what I hear, the ladies seem to love that bad boy personality. But then again, so do the guys at the state penitentiary. Let�s drop that one for now. We really should discuss your funeral service�"
Eddie was gaping at the peculiar little man on his porch. His meaty fists shook with rage.
"Get out," he hissed.
"How do you fancy yourself in this model coffin?"
"I said�" Eddie reached forward and gripped the man by his coat. His body promptly went stiff and he collapsed through the open door onto his back.
The salesman peered down at the dead man, a frown painting his features. Marking Eddie�s name from the list, he let out a sigh as he headed back to his car. The salesman tossed the briefcase into the trunk of the car next to the scythe and swung into the driver�s seat. As he drove away, he checked the time on his wristwatch.
"Still morning. Boy, am I gonna make a killing!"

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