Romance of Mystery

It's that time again. We must don our ceremonial cloaks and head into the dank, eldritch recesses of the forbidden Film Crypt. But the horrors have only increased this time! For in my dastardly pursuit of insidious experimentation, I have created a new format that deviates deliciously from my regular stand-alone reviews. Like the drive-in terrors of years past, what better way to wring the fear from my expectant readers than to slam them with TWO, count 'em, TWO ferocious films?! It's brilliant! It's genius! It's the dawning of a new intellectual millennium!
It's also an easy and lazy way for me to keep up with all these damned movies I watch. Not to mention being capsule size overviews that might be smoother reading compared to my by-far wordier and at times unnecessarily descriptive full reviews. But if you enjoy those as well, do not fear. Full reviews will still make their appearances within the shadowed and forsaken walls of the Film Crypt. I'll save those for films that I can really go on for days about, and then you'll be sorry.
For our first installment of the Cryptic Double Feature, we'll be focusing on two foreign films nearly 70 years apart but that are close in their desire to display insane, captivating, and intense images to force their viewers through (by the by, most of the Cryptic Double Features will have some type of theme or bond, even if I have to make one up). The films are vignette-like, containing stories and segments that both give us the shivers and boggle our minds. A winning combination. The films brought to you for this Cryptic Double Feature are Un Chien Andalou and Three... Extremes. Without further ado, let the curtain rise and the show begin...
UN CHIEN ANDALOU (1929)
Directed by Luis Bunuel
Written by Salvador Dali and Luis Bunuel
Starring Simone Mareuil and Pierre Batcheff
There is one image that everyone remembers this film for: that of a smoking man (played by Luis Bunuel) sharpening a straight razor on a strop and then nonchalantly using it to slice a woman's eye in half as she calmly sits on a moonlit balcony. Indeed, that sequence alone is enough to be burned into one's memory for quite some time. But that is only one of many unforgettable and downright bizarre pictures that fill this experimental and fascinating film. Almost every still of the film could serve as the subject of a stand alone painting. This makes sense when you take into account that Salvador Dali, a master of surreal art, was the other creative force behind this picture alongside Luis Bunuel, a filmmaker who would later go on to make beautifully strange movies such as The Exterminating Angel and The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie. Un Chien Andalou is really just a fragmented set of slightly related pieces filled with mesmerizing images. Some of these include ants crawling out a hole in a man's hand and a street walker poking at a dismembered hand with his cane. There's also a moment that I personally found hilarious when the male lead, enraged at his woman companion, drags a piano not only carrying a dead donkey but also two priestly-looking gents who talk to each other in an absurdly mundane way.

My personal belief is that in most works of art, whether they be film or literature, the shorter it is, the more profound the experience. This is just solely based on my experience with both, and this film is surely a testament to that belief. At only 16 minutes long, Un Chien Andalou succeeds in putting the viewer through an experience almost like no other. You feel as if you're watching a dream that has actually been put to celluloid, events happening just because they can and making little to absolutely no logical sense in the process. The tango music that accompanies the film is a lovely complement to the outlandish proceedings. It gives it the feel of a mad dance, the steps being completely random and the end of the lunatic song no where in sight.
Trailer

THREE... EXTREMES (2004)
Directed by Fruit Chan, Chan-wook Park, and Takashi Miike
Written by Lilian Lee, Chan-wook Park, and Haruko Fukushima & Bun Saikou
Starring Ling Bai, Meme Tian, Byung-hun Lee, Won-hie Lim, Kyoko Hasegawa, and Mitsuru Akaboshi
I really love anthology horror films. You can attribute that to my love for a good ol' short terror tale or an extreme case of ADD (bunny!). Whatever the case may be, I usually dig anthology flicks, no matter how terrible or uninspired the material may be. I can appreciate the filmmakers' attempts to give the viewer a fine sampling of all of the genre's diverse subjects and subgenres. It's like a great big buffet (something I'm also a huge fan of), albeit filled with vampires and serial killers instead of General Tso's chicken. With this mind set, I was bound to enjoy Three Extremes. The film itself was very exceptional and the expertise of all three directors truly shined in each of their segments. Going along with the food metaphor, the first story, called "Dumplings" serves up a bowl of terror when an aging actress uses a rather nasty remedy to clear up her wrinkles and make the chest a little perkier for her cheating husband. Too bad the remedy is unborn fetuses cooked into yummy dumplings! The first segment is simple and straightforward, enough to entertain you for its duration and get you hungry for Chinese.
The second story, "Cut" is probably the most intriguing segment of the piece. A horror film director is held captive by a mad stuntman who is punishing the filmmaker for having a perfect and charming life. And the fact that the director is a really nice guy only enrages the psycho even more! Although containing a few comedic elements, "Cut" never lets up on the dread and has some really stunning and shocking scenes (check out the director's wife a.k.a. "the piano puppet"). Not only does it deliver with the gore and viciousness, but it'll leave you thinking and pondering on the morality of all the characters involved, and it's all capped off with a great downbeat ending. The best segment for sure.

The final tale, "Box", is helmed by Takashi Miike, a man whose films I've become acquainted with. Miike's work seems to be an acquired taste, but I did enjoy Audition very much and liked Ichi the Killer well enough (even if my 15 year old eyes were completely traumatized by the things I'd seen). This story, however, was just kind of confusing. A young writer begins seeing images of her sister (a ghost?), her twin whom she left to burn to death in a box at the circus where they both performed as children. She keeps having dreams of being buried alive in the box and an old shadow from the past returns to have his vengeance. Or does he? Sound complicated? Well that's what it certainly was for me. Perhaps the story was meant to be on a more psychological level (the story's ending appears to imply that anyway), a level that I couldn't quite grasp. Maybe, like Un Chien Andalou, it was just meant to be nothing more than a chain of weird events held loosely together by a wraparound story. Since it was preceded by two fairly linear narratives, "Box" pops out of the blue and is a bit of a jarring transition. However, I will say that it has some of the most gorgeous cinematography I have yet to see in any film. That shot of Kyoko kneeling in the snow before the twisted, gnarled tree? Beautiful. Makes me want to live in Alaska.
Overall, Three Extremes is an enjoyable film. It's got enough blood and icky moments (bathtub abortion!) to please the gore hounds out there and the stories are generally engaging and entertaining. I think this would serve as a great way to introduce a cinema-wary friend to the joys of Eastern filmmaking. For the rest of us horrorphiles, it is what it is and that's not all that bad.
Trailer

Labels: 1920S, 2000S, Asia, Creepy, Double Feature, Gore, Spain, Three Extremes, Un Chien Andalou, Weird

It�s no secret that horror gets a pretty bad rap from some members of the esteemed high school clique of society. Even the average everyday Joe (or Joanne) would probably wrinkle their nose a little at you the minute you admitted having a fondness for the genre. No doubt they imagine you having a fetish for blood, an obsession with monsters and maniacs, and a potentially dangerous psychotic disorder that involves you enjoying the feeling of being scared (and most likely scaring others).
Other circles of fandom suffer the same type of generalization; when someone tells you they like science fiction, for instance, your immediate mental response is probably envisioning them in Jedi garb talking in some alien tongue to their equally delusional friends while standing in a convention line so they can get their Star Trek DVD set signed by a grown man in a furry costume. But horror perhaps suffers the most because its lovers and affectionate fans are deemed "sick" and "disturbed" for finding enjoyment (and enlightenment) in material that is considered dark at best and degenerative at worst.
The point? This video by the band American Head Charge doesn�t seem to be really helping matters any bit.
Don�t get me wrong. The actual music in this video isn�t really all that bad. I can�t say I�m a fan of the whole swinging-guitars/microphone-screaming/head-shaking scene, but there is something inherently enjoyable in the piece from an auditory standpoint. My main beef comes from the images that accompany the twisted tune. The song�s title, "All Wrapped Up," is what we are to assume is a pun, as the main character seems to be a slightly homicidal good ol� boy who has a habit of keeping bodies in burlap sacks. Fair enough, let�s keep going.
The opening for the song starts out swell enough, with a demented, music box-like intro to unsettle our minds a little bit. A puddle of blood here, a flash of a kitchen knife there, a decapitated pig�s head swinging on a hook in front of our corpse-colored keyboardist. Sure, okay. A pounding percussion sets in and soon we feel as if we�ve just taken the wrong turn at Albuquerque and have landed smack dab in the middle of Leatherface�s meat locker out in the Texan wilderness.
But after this slightly eerie buildup, the video loses its creepy touch and instead opts to soak the viewer�s eyes in as much red-dye water as possible. Thus the rest of the song plays out for all the world to see, plasma spraying upon the band members as they thrash about the sound stage and all the horror-naysayers out there nodding their heads knowingly and muttering "I told ya so�"
Now I�m no prude. I enjoy a good splatterfest like a good many of other fans do. But violence isn�t "scary" or even "cool" if you shower blood from the ceilings and have a guy juggling swine guts in the corner there all willy-nilly. Whether it�s meant to disturb like a Takashi Miike film or meant to inspire laughter ala Peter Jackson, good horror grue is always served up in powerful, effective doses, punching you right in the gut. It has purpose. Here it feels like it's being shoved down the audience�s throat.
Do you think a professional wine taster would appreciate having three gallons of vintage port dumped over his head? I�m sure he would much rather be given the time to let the fragrance waft in before imbibing it, let alone have it in a glass. To paraphrase a fairly popular saying, it�s not the size of the blood tank you have, it�s how you use it.
There�s just a certain point where the effect of genuine horror is lost and oversaturation takes hold (literally in the case of this video). I�d turn red with embarrassment if someone thought that my idea of quality horror is a man shouting his lungs out at mutilated animal parts. That�s not art, it�s just awful. Maybe some think that I�m being a little too harsh on this video. Perhaps that�s so. But as a fan of the horror genre, it pains me to see it being simplified into lowest common denominator hooey like this. Apparently all we fans really need is a bunch of people convulsing about to loud music in a tsunami of blood to keep us happy.
But hey, I never said I didn�t like the song. For maximum enjoyment, I advise playing the video and just closing your eyes for a few minutes.

Labels: 2000S, American Head Charge, Gore, Monstrous Medleys, Music Video

Runtime: 120 minutes
Country: South Korea
Cast and Crew
Directed by Park Chan-wook
Written by Hwang Jo-yun, Lim Chun-hyeong, and Park Chan-wook, Based on the comic by Nobuaki Minegishi
Starring Choi Min-sik, Yu Ji-Tae, Kang Hye-jeong, and Ji Dae-han
Written by Nick Hishmeh
"Laugh and the world laughs with you, weep and you weep alone." Though this line was originated by suicidal poet Virgina Wolfe, it sounds so much better when the main character Oh Dae-su says it. Much of the film Oldboy is dependent on the main character, played by South Korean actor Choi Min-sik and his performance. The film, which is part of a trilogy and this being the best of them, is a meditation of revenge and other darker aspects of human nature that are not normally touched upon in film. Sure, revenge is seen enough, but it is always justified revenge with everything turning out just fine in the end. Don�t expect that Hollywood ending crap here. This is not meant to be seen by the weak of heart.
The premise of the film is that average man Oh Dae-su is taken one night and locked away in a prison, a rather small hotel room with only the bare essentials of a fridge, a bed and a TV. As time goes on and he experiences lapses of sanity and grows ever despondent, he eventually comes to a conclusion: he will escape and kill whoever was responsible. More than kill, like a beast he will eat the man, devouring him. From this moment, the character of Oh Dae-su is not the same one as before his kidnapping. Much like Darth Vader is a completely different character than Anakin Skywalker, so is the released Oh Dae-su from the one we saw at the beginning of the film.
What we see in the rest of the film is the adventure of this beast. The sheer level of brutality and depravity that appears on screen is handled so well that it puts other films to shame. Torture porn films like Hostel have far more gruesome onscreen events, but they have little weight to the viewer. Director Park Chan-wook manages to create a sense of poetry to the film, littering it with beautiful shots and quotes that sound and appear as if they should be in a play. This only helps to make the cruelty so much more effective.
Perhaps the greatest tragedy of the film is the fact that almost every action Oh-Dae Su takes furthers his suffering and pain all to attain his revenge. If Oh Dae-su simply chose not to seek revenge, life would be a lot better for him. At the very end of the film a question is posed to the audience. It�s in regards to the fate of Oh Dae-su. I suppose that whatever answer you give yourself, it really reveals how you view the world after watching this twisted morality tale.
Trailer

Labels: 2000S, Gore, Korea, Oldboy, Revenge, The Crypt

Runtime: 122 minutes
Country: Japan
Cast and Crew
Directed by Kinji Fukasaku
Written by Kinji Fukasaku, Based on the novel by Koushun Takami
Starring Tatsuya Fujiwara, Aki Maeda, Chiaki Kuriyama, Takeshi Kitano
Battle Royale is a film that does not compromise with the Western world's idea of a mainstreamed Hollywood movie. It reflects the themes found in William Goldman's controversial book Lord of the Flies, that of innocent children being forced to exercise their base instincts in order to survive a vicious bloodbath. BR makes frequent use of the sticky red stuff, but underneath the gore the overall message remains clear and powerful.
The new millennium has brought only pain and loss for Japan. There are millions of citizens who are unemployed and starving and, worst of all, the students have violently revolted against the school teachers in a mayhem of anarchy. To quell the rising chaos, the government passes the Battle Royale Act. This entails a single high school class chosen by lottery to spend a three day period on a deserted island. Within that time they must slaughter each other until there is only one left standing. The students find themselves changing and going to desperate measures to ensure that they make it to the final deadline...
The subject matter is disturbing to say the least. A pall of somberness hangs over the entire film, the realization that most of these children will be killed unsettling the viewer. This begins right from the start when a supporting character has the explosive shackle around his throat set off. He desperately seeks the help of his fellow students but they only push him away out of the fear of death. This moment sets the bar for the rest of the picture. No one is safe. Anything can happen.
The film also has a number of character complexities within it. Our heroes, as righteous as they may be, still have to fight back and break the morals they previously held. The villains in the film, from the cold-hearted Mitsuko to the harsh teacher, actually suffer from troubles themselves that cause them to act in the way they do. Mitsuko was forced to kill a pervert her prostitute mother had brought home and the teacher faces a conflicted home life where his daughter despises him. With the exception of one character, no one person is entirely good or evil. This type of in-depth character development leaves the viewer puzzled as to who they should align their sympathies with. In short, the film is realistic.
Gorehounds looking for nothing but a bloody good time won't be disappointed either. Plasma assaults the screen in a variety of ways, from sprays to spurts to waves. The aforementioned explosive shackles have a particularly nasty effect, the detonation rupturing the victim's throat and giving gurgling blood the effect of a water sprinkler. The kills performed by the students are generally left only hinted at, a mutilated corpse only briefly seen or a hanging body barely discernible in dark shadows. This is a wise choice on director Fukasaku's part; he lets our imaginations fill in the blanks concerning the atrocities these innocent children are committing. There is one wince-inducing moment where a harassed girl chases down her male caller and stabs him repeatedly with a knife, finally using the blade to cut into his genitalia. I even caught myself squirming all over the place as the boy screamed in agony. Powerfully gruesome stuff.
Battle Royale is not for the faint of heart. It has both visceral shocks and tough moral questions that don't have any real answers. Action, drama, and horror blend together to create a harsh and cruel atmosphere that won't leave your mind for sometime. Highly recommended for people looking for something a little bit different.
Trailer

Labels: 2000S, Battle Royale, Gore, Japan, Survival Horror, The Crypt

I'm sorry. I couldn't resist.
As I was saying before the sentient pun portion of my brain took over, the Vault of Horror and Brutal As Hell have brought the fourth in their line of weekly summer features concerning favorites of the horror genre. This time it's the best of the most gruesome, the most vile, and the most-likely-to-induce-eye-explosions horror that filmmakers have tainted the screen with. That's right, it is indeed GORE WEEK!
Believe it or not, it was actually a bit tougher for me to pick a selection than it has been so far. I was originally torn between doing The New York Ripper or The Evil Dead. The former fell through after I rewatched it and realized that, as fun and spirited as some of the murder sequences were, I just couldn't bring myself to say that it was a favorite. I had to nix Sam Raimi's demon/zombie opus because, being a purist of sorts when it comes to some things, I wanted to choose a film that was strictly about the carnage and that couldn't really be cateGORized (dammit!) in any other sub-genre. So what did I decide to do?

Why steal from my own blog of course! Not really. I didn't want to choose Aftermath at first. Why? Because I hated the idea of falling back on a piece that I just reviewed a short time ago. It made me feel as if I was being unoriginal and lazy, that I didn't genuinely hail the film as one of my personal favorites. But after I took a step back and thought about it, I realized that I really did love this movie. So, with every ounce of creativeness that I could squeeze from my corpse-dry brain, I wrote a piece on it without (hopefully) regurgitating too many elements from my full review of the film.
Check it and all the other fantastic, bloodsoaked contributions out for yourself at The Vault Of Horror.
If your stomach allows it, you can take a gander at the review I did OVER HERE as well.
And I'd pity the fool who didn't get their sorry behinds over to Brutal As Hell and see what their more-than-amazing staff has cooked up this time. Mmmhmm.
Be sure to keep your eyes posted for next week's feature for The Lucky 13... Horror Comedies! We'll be tickling ribs and devouring the flesh from them at the same time. A free pony to whoever guesses what my pick shall be!

Labels: Aftermath, Bloggin Madness, Brutal As Hell, Gore, The Lucky 13, Vault Of Horror

Runtime: 89 minutes
Countries: USA and Spain
Cast and Crew
Directed by Juan Piquer Simon
Written by Dick Randall and Joe D�Amato
Starring Christopher George, Lynda Day George, Ian Sera, Edmund Purdom, Frank Brana, Jack Taylor, and Paul L. Smith
Makeup: Pedro Camacho
Never before have I read a tagline for a movie that is so honest and close to the truth. Right under the jagged letters that pronounce the film�s title it reads: It�s exactly what you think it is! And brother, this movie most certainly is.
The cast and crew list of the film reads almost like a "Who�s Who" in exploitation films. We have Juan Piquer Simon heading the picture, the director who gave the world cinematic masterpieces such as Slugs and Cthulhu Mansion. Producer Dick Randall writes the script along with Anthropophagus and Buio Omega gore boy Joe D�Amato (working under the mysterious pseudonym of "John Shadow." Ooooooh!). And everyone�s favorite gritty, raspy-voiced Christopher George (City of the Living Dead) starring as the intrepid but pretty much useless detective trying to get to the bottom of the mystery. Oh, and the guy who played Bluto in Robert Altman�s Popeye.
The mystery in question is a series of awesomely gory murders that are taking place on a Boston college campus. The heavy-breathing sicko has a nasty habit of stalking nubile young babes and then cutting them to smithereens with his handy dandy chainsaw. A young student gets entangled in the mess when a potential bed buddy (HOW does this guy get laid?!) meets her end when she is netted out of the school pool and made into bite-size hors d�oeuvres. Lieutenant Bracken is on the case and has a whole gallery of unsavory personalities from the suspicious anatomy professor to the hulking gardener to choose from. But will he be able to intervene in time before the deranged maniac strikes again and completes his unholy puzzle of beautiful human flesh?! We sure hope not.
Something I�ve noticed is that there are many, many movies that highlight certain aspects of a film only for the actual movie to fall short of what it was advertising. I would look at the movie Insane Cannibal Biker Maniacs from Hell, for instance, expecting to get what that movie was promising me. A lot of times these movies induce feelings of suicide before the opening credits are finished. But not Pieces. Although it is for movie lovers on a steady diet of sleaze and cheese, Pieces is such an incredibly fun-filled good time that you can't help but love every last grainy frame of it. Pieces gives you exactly what you want. In FULL. And then pays you a nice tip.
I would go so far as to dare anyone to sit through a viewing of this movie and not crack a smile at least once. By all appearances the filmmakers look as if they were taking themselves at least somewhat seriously (the stalking scenes are especially effective with the killer�s shadow chasing the women down), but there are so many comedic elements in the movie that they give you the impression that Simon was laughing to himself behind the camera the whole time. The movie remains infamous amongst horror fans, a truly nasty nugget from the darkest corners of the grindhouse.
Some of the best moments include the historic "Bad Chop Suey" scene (if I described it anymore I would spoil it for the rest of you; suffice it to say that Dick Randall was producing a kung fu film at the time and decided to stick a Bruce Lee impersonator from that film into this movie. Scratching your head? Just watch and enjoy). Not to mention Lynda Day George�s Oscar-nominated scene where she angrily ejaculates "Bastard! Baaaastard! BAAAAAASSSSSTAAAAAARD!" The music score fits the movie perfectly as well. And of course when I say it�s perfect I mean it�s hilariously cheesy. Not to mention a wide variety! In the opening credits and during the murder scenes we get a delicious taste of 80�s synthesizers and some rip-offs of Goblin. If slow and mellow is more your speed, then you�ll certainly enjoy the "sexy" scenes of females undressing set to softcore jazz music reminiscent of the porno you caught your dad watching. But don�t worry. All this is brightened up by the introduction of heart-pumping aerobics music, leg-warmers and all!
The print that I watched was from St. Clair Entertainment in a box set called "Cult Horror Collection." You know, one of those packages that gather a bunch of horror films in the public domain and strings 'em together for the price of $13.99? The picture and sound quality were just fine, giving it the proper filthy tones that fits it so nicely. Grindhouse Releasing/Box Office Spectaculars released an uncut and uncensored version in 2008, complete with interviews with Juan Piquer Simon and so many more goodies to name. If you haven�t been convinced already, I highly encourage you to go out and purchase this ditty. You�ll be doing yourself a GREAT favor.
This movie truly is a horror gem, a blood bath filled with just as much belly laughs as it is with intestines. Eli Roth is known to preview this film during his film festivals, much to the amusement of the horror-crazed (and probably slightly drunk) crowd. Pieces is made for that exact type of viewing. Call up a few friends, fill up the fridge with alcohol, and let the demented charm of this psycho slasher take hold of you by the cajones and give you the ride of your life. If there�s anything you should take into your heart from this movie, it should be this: "The most beautiful thing in the world is smoking pot and fucking on a waterbed at the same time."

Trailer

Labels: 1980S, Cheesy, Gore, Grindhouse, Pieces, Spain, The Crypt